I don’t think I’ve ever watched an entire episode of American Idol, but I can’t deny the talent of Kelly Clarkson. I’m not a big pop fan, but I do have several songs of hers on my iTunes. And every time “Because of You” comes on, I stop in my tracks.
There’s a truth in this song that would haunt me for hours after hearing it if I’d let it. I have to make a concerted effort to shake it off.
The lyrics tell a story from the point of view of someone I could have become if I had not made a concerted effort to free myself from the damage my father inflicted upon me.
I could go line by line in this song pointing out the way in which it speaks to how fucked up my dad is and how he tried to permanently damage my sisters and I so that we would never be happy, either.
But the damage didn’t take, and I don’t want to dwell on how shitty I might have turned out had I not been able to escape it. To the extent anyone can escape years of mental and physical abuse, of course.
Instead of focusing on how most of the song spells out exactly how I felt 10 years ago, I’ll point out that after a lot of work to relearn how to love myself and how to accept love from decent, caring, worthy people, the last three verses don’t apply to me.
Despite its struggles and my occasional time in the bitter barn, my life is full of love and learning and peace and hope. It’s full of friends and family members who care about me because of who I am, not ones who try to rewrite me into a version they feel fits their own history better. My life includes people that I love because I am choosing to include them. And they choose to include me, too. And if you put them all together in a room they would be a motley crew, but they are the only family I need.
Because of You
I will not make
the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
the way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid
I lose my way
and it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
a smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
when it wasn’t even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid
I watched you die, I heard you cry
every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known
better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you, I am afraid
